A laugh-out-loud memoir about a free-spirited, commitment-phobic Brooklyn girl who, after a whirlwind romance, finds herself living in a rickety farmhouse, pregnant, and faced with five months of doctor-prescribed bed rest because of unusually large fibroids.

Author’s Note 1. Roots Run Deep 2. A GORE-TEX Primer 3. Produce Man 4. Cricket Hill 5. Monsters 6. The Pregnant Pause 7. Purgatory 8. The Whirling Dervish and Her Magic Meatball Sideshow 9. Operation Redecoration 10. Dos and Don’ts and Don’ts 11. Bras on Fire 12. It Comes Down to Blood 13. The Art of Conversation 14. Puttin’ Up a Fight 15. Blame It on the Cossacks 16. The Hex Upon Us 17. Power Equipment + Bed = Sexy 18. The Vanishing Penis and the Reason I Have a Therapy Fund Set Aside for My Unborn Child 19. Going in Reverse 20. The Muck and the Mire 21. Dream Crusher 22. Sandman Rising 23. Battle on Cervix Hill 24. Helter Skelter Swelter 25. The Man behind the Curtain 26. A Low Guttural Howl 27. Take Me Home 28. Meltdown 29. The County Fair 30. Gumption 31. Calypso 32. Courage and Cremation 33. Jeeps and Rabbits 34. A Shit Farm in Paradise 35. Settled, but Not Really 36. The Fibroids Ate My Baby 37. After Birth 38. Mother Acknowledgments