Are you tired of the earnest advice in conventional parenting books? Do you want to know what's really in your future as a new parent? Scott Feschuk and Paul Mather both know, all too well, and are happy to tell you with their trademark irreverence what it's really like to be a new parent. For instance, they tell you that by nine months your baby will inevitably have missed several milestones, sending you into a complete panic. And sooner or later you'll realize you're doing everything wrong. The solution is simple: just read a different childcare advice book. Also, if your child has not knocked over something expensive and nice by the age of three, this could be a sign that you don't have enough things that are expensive and nice. Did you know that a child's affection for a song is directly proportional to how severely it annoys his mother and father? And, believe it or not, experts estimate that by 2024, the cost of a drunken frat party at a typical postsecondary institution will be $575,000. You owe it to your child to start saving now!Candid and comic, How Not to Completely Suck is a bundle of laughs for frazzled new parents and curious parents-to-be. The perfect gift for a shower or Mother's Day.

IntroductionThe First Year:Your Newborn’s AppearanceSetting Up the NurseryThe First Month of LifeDiapersThe Little ThingsResuming Sexual Relations After the Birth of Your ChildThe Baby RevealBaby MonitorsMemories to Last a LifetimeBaby ClothesSigns You May Have Picked the Wrong PediatricianParental Threat LevelGood Advice about Bad AdviceGetting Back into ShapeTravelling with MoneyTit for TatFeeding Your InfantChildprooffing Your HomeQuestions, QuestionsThe Second YearThe Not-So-Newlywed GameThe Growth of a ToddlerBooksTalking to Your ChildFun Activities You Can Do with a Toddler, and Why They’re Not FunFamily DiningChristmas SpecialsSigns You May Have Picked a Bad DaycareFailed Children’s TV ShowsMore Questions, QuestionsThe Third YearThe OutdoersABCsArrgh!: One Man’s StoryCartoon ViolenceWhen I Was a Kid…MidnightsTeaching Your Child to Think CreativelyGoing WigglyHow to Talk to Young Children about “Difficult” Subjects: A Guest Chapter by Dr. Ben Agiter, Child PsychologistJazzy and GigiDangerously Sick of WinterSoft PantsEnough with the Questions, Already!The Rest of Your Child’s LifeConclusion: What Does it Mean to Be a Parent?Appendix OneYour Second ChildAppendix TwoParenting 2015: A One-Act Play