Music defines us. To return the favor, we'll stick up with zealous passion for the performers and bands that we love . . . and heap aspersions and ridicule upon people who dare to place their allegiances above our own. In Rock and Roll Cage Match, today' s leading cultural critics, humorists, music journalists, and musicians themselves take sides in thirty of the all-time juiciest "who's better" musical disputes. Marc Spitz on the Smiths vs. the Cure: "If the Smiths are its James Dean, the Cure are the Marlon Brando of modern rock."Mick Stingley on Van Halen vs. Van Hagar: "Eddie Van Halen single-handedly (sometimes quite literally) conjured rapturous sounds, and reinvented the idea of what could be done with a guitar with his sleight of hand. . . . As for the lyrics . . . Where Roth had been nuanced and clever, relying on double entendres and sexual innuendo, Sammy was ham-fisted and cloying and just downright embarrassing. Gideon Yago on Nirvana vs. Metallica: "Here is why Nirvana will always be a better band than Metallica. It's not because they hit harder (they do). It's not because they are tighter (they're definitely not). . . . It's because Metallica is fundamentally about respecting rules-of metal, of production, of technicality-and Nirvana is about breaking those rules down in the pursuit of innovation. Metallica was metal. Nirvana was something else." Touré on Michael Jackson vs. Prince: "[Prince] was the wild son of Jimi, the younger brother of Rick James and Richard Pryor, the ultrasexual black Casanova who told you up front that he had a dirty mind . . . Michael held the opposite appeal. His music was often about escaping through dance or being hopeful about the world." Russ Meneve on Bruce Springsteen vs. Bon Jovi: "I really, truly mean it when I say, Mr. Springsteen, no disrespect . . . you are a legend. But in the Battle a da Jerz, when that thick chemical-waste smoke clears and the overly sprayed mall hair parts, the Jov man is the last man rockin'." Whitney Pastorek on Whitney Houston vs. Mariah Carey: "Frankly, dry recitations of figures are just too easily negated by simple things like, say, bringing up someone's horrible taste in choosing movie roles. Watch, I'll do it right now: Yes, Mariah has seventeen number one singles, and Whitney only eleven. But Whitney made The Bodyguard, which is basically a classic, and Mariah starred in Glitter, a colossal suckfest of crapitude that should disqualify her on the spot."